Smile
by cerasi1
Summary: 13 little moments in Remus Lupin's life when he knew love was real. SBRL, nonchronological series of oneshots. Finished, and if you read to the end, you'll have fallen in love. And if you don't read slash, don't read it and don't flame me.
1. Smile

Smile 

By Cerasi

With a big thankyou to Enelya and evalanis for beta-ing nearly all these chapters. :)

"Sirius, get up."

"What is it?"

"Come see."

Sirius rolled out of bed, rubbing his eyes as he padded across the cold floor, following Remus to the back door. Remus pushed the door open and held it there for Sirius. Sirius shivered as he stepped out into the cold, Northern air. He felt himself wrapped in warm arms from behind.

"How long have you been up?" He asked, spying an empty teacup and one of Remus's numerous novels.

"A while," said Remus. "But I thought you should have a look." He loosened one of his arms to point over to where the clouds had broken away from the horizon, revealing a spread of stars on the moonless, overcast night. Sirius, after years of not seeing the sky, had to admit to its beauty, but he didn't feel it quite warranted a midnight wakeup call.

"It's lovely," he told Remus. There was a certain lack of conviction that Remus found very unnerving. He turned Sirius about to look in his face.

"You don't seem very impressed." He teased lightly. When the kitchen light, shining out through the open door, caught on Sirius's eyes, Remus nearly jumped. They were all but dead. The poem-worthy sight Remus had wanted to share was all but wasted on Sirius.

He hugged Sirius again and nudged his neck in a very wolf-like manner. Eventually he found a response when he was hugged back.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of that." He whispered.

Sirius was silent. Remus hugged tighter.

"I really am. And I'm sorry that I let it happen and I'm sorry that I didn't believe you and-" he choked briefly and hugged Sirius tighter. "I really am, Padfoot, so sorry."

"You've been going through hell once a month since you were eight. I'm sorry about that." Said Sirius simply.

"Don't be ridiculous. That's not the same."

"Because you're not haunted by fear? You don't get a sudden and unavoidable rush of emotion when you see the moon?" Sirius asked sarcastically. "Or is it because you still feel emotions, and I don't?"

Remus flinched and stepped back. There was nothing in Sirius's eyes, not even anger, despite his words. Remus sat down where he had been reading earlier and looked out at the mountains.

After a moment Sirius sighed and knelt down in front of Remus, taking both of his hands.

"It'll get better, Moony." He said. "It has to get better."

"Yes." Remus whispered. "Yet sometimes it gets a lot worse first."

Sirius stood up pulling Remus with him. Sirius smiled and kissed Remus's forehead, and Remus fancied he could see a light in Sirius's eyes, however faint.

"Remember what James used to say?" Sirius asked. "Smile when you're down."

"Chances are your problem's not that big anyway." Remus replied, remembering at the same time the encouraging expression James always wore when he used to say it.

"That's right," Sirius said. "Now hold tight."

Remus felt the familiar, awkward sensation of apparition and then he felt very cold. He looked about him and understood his sudden coolness to be a result of standing up in the foothills of the mountains they had just been observing.

Sirius conjured up boots and long, warm coats for each of them, and then held out his hand for Remus's.

"Where are we going?" Remus asked, warily taking Sirius's hand.

"Up the hill." Sirius said. Remus saw a trace of the old, mischievous trademark Sirius smile before they began their trek.

"You mean the mountain?" Remus asked, suddenly appalled.

"Hill, mountain it's all the same." Sirius said.

"You're daft."

"Race you to the top."

"Definitely daft." Remus laughed. "You're on!"

And there upon the mountain that evening, two absurdly immature near-middle-aged men chased each other, laughing like the children they were (at heart). They ran all of two hundred odd metres before one of them apparated to the top, shortly followed by the other, where they fell to the ground and laughed until they cried. Then they lay upon the freezing, icy rocks until the cold reached them and they apparated back home. There they fell asleep sometime later, snuggled together on the couch. Not, one should note, before the words 'I think you've got fleas again' and 'I love you' were exchanged.


	2. I'm Gonna Make You Love Me

I'm Gonna Make You Love Me

"Merlin we had a lot of Butterbeer tonight. My head is feeling all out of place and funny."

"Mine too. You know, Padfoot, those girls were most upset when you didn't go with them and James."

"Not as upset as they were when Peter did."

"I must admit, I was a little worried when they proposed a boy-kiss girl-kiss trade off."

"What, Moony? Afraid of kissing a boy? Well, I never! So… what is it then?"

"What is what?"

"You."

"Human."

"No, not that."

"A werewolf?"

"No, I mean are you gay? … Or straight, or, well, like me?"

"Bisexual?"

"Yeh, if you want to be clinical about it… I hate labels."

"But you want to give me one?"

"No, I… well, I just want to know. Will you stop dancing around the issue? What, uh, if I were to give you a label, what would it be?"

"Yes, I suppose."

"That's not an answer."

"Yes it is."

"Not to my question it isn't."

"It is if you read it carefully."

"Like you read everything carefully? I'll be here all night."

"I'm changing my answer."

"Already?"

"The answer I gave earlier this evening."

"What? Merlin, you must have answered a hundred questions tonight."

"Actually, while the girls were here, I only answered one question."

"…"

"…"

"Oh, Moony, come on… I- Oh, you mean, about the boy-kiss thing? Whether or not you would kiss a boy?"

"Yes."

"You would?"

"Yes."

"So, with the label question…"

"I… I guess I would be the first option."

"What?"

"The first option you gave."

"Oh, Moony, don't be cruel. You're making me think."

"Hurts, doesn't it?"

"Git."

"And proud of it. So have you figured it out yet?"

"You're the 'G' word."

"And proud of it."

"How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"That you were… well, gay?"

"I fell somewhat in love."

"With someone I know?"

"You're acquainted, yes."

"James?"

"No."

"Peter?"

"I'd like to take this opportunity to scoff and choke on my own bile."

"As opposed to somebody else's bile. Do you want mine? Fresh biley goodness."

"Bile du Sirius."

"It's all the rage in France at the moment."

"Let's hope it stays there."

"You don't want my bile? I could give you a free sample."

"No, thank you, Sirius. I'll be just fine."

"The only problem is that is has to be transferred directly from me to you. There would be mouths involved and consequently lips, and it could get a little complicated…"

"…"

"…"

"Was that your attempt at seducing me in for a kiss?"

"It might have been."

"By offering me your bile?"

"Well, it was worth a shot."

"Hardly."

"…"

"…"

"So, what do you say?"

"… You'll have to try again."

"Alright. When you said that you were in love with somebody, did you mean me?"

"…"

"Because if you did, that's wonderful, because I happen to be in love with someone as well, and that person happens to be you."

"…"

"Alright, I don't know how you're going to take this, but I'm in love with you and I don't know if you're in love with me but I don't particularly care because we've been sitting here talking for ages and everything you said has convinced me more and more that it's true and I know I'm not perfect, and certainly talking about bile didn't help, but I do love you, and I want us to be more than friends, and I don't know if that's what you want, but it's, well… that's how I feel."

"…"

"And now I've gone and thrown it all out in the open, and I can't help but feel that I've screwed something up along the line, but I guess that's the way the world works and I have no idea how the world works, or why it works or anything and-"

"…"

"Was that a yes?"

"Did it feel like a yes?"

"I wasn't really concentrating on much, except for the whole Moony-is-kissing-me factor."

"You're so daft."

"Was it a yes?"

"A yes to what?"

"To my question."

"You didn't ask me a question."

"Yes I did."

"Oh, that question."

"Yes, that one."

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"It was you."

"…"

"..."

"So you love me?"

"Oh, I don't know about that."

"But, you said…"

"I said I realised I am gay because I fell in love with you. Different."

"So you don't love me?"

"…"

"Because I don't care. I'll make you love me if I have to. I… are you crying?"

"A little."

"Moony, why?"

"Because I love you."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"No, you daft twat, it's a bloody good thing. I love you and you love me and I'm thrilled because I thought it would never happen."

"Kiss me?"

"Naturally."


	3. What Led Me To This Town?

What Led Me To This Town?

Dedicated to the memory of Jonathan Brandis

Remus swore as he lost his footing on the stairs and slipped down the last three. He swore as he stubbed his toe on the skirting board, and he swore once more as he heard another loud crash come from the living room.

"Sirius!" He yelled, aghast. The room was a disaster. There were broken plates and tables and books strewn everywhere. The curtains were hanging off the railing and there was a rather suspicious looking turkey darting from pile-of-wreckage to pile-of-wreckage. Why, Remus thought, does this always happen on a Sunday?

"What have you done?" Remus asked, shaking off his Sunday-gloom.

"My wand is buggered." Sirius complained pathetically, glaring and shaking it all about. Several cup cakes appeared from nowhere and smattered into the wall at high speed. Cream-filled, Remus noted.

"It's not your sodding wand, that's why!" Remus darted through the mess and snatched his wand away from Sirius, checking it to see it wasn't broken, and then sending spell after spell flying to restore his beautiful living room.

"That would explain why it didn't like me." Sirius frowned and started patting himself down in search of his own wand. When the search extended to encompass the room, Remus sent an accio flying and Sirius' wand promptly zoomed through the kitchen door and smacked itself hard into Sirius' forehead, apparently reprimanding him for not recognising the impostor.

When Remus finished with the room he took a good look at Sirius. The gravity now gone from the situation, Remus actually burst into laughter.

Sirius stood bewildered until he looked at himself and realised he was wearing a very authentic-looking pirate costume, complete with a parrot he hadn't noticed perching on his shoulder. Sirius shrieked like a woman when he felt his beautiful hair had turned into a bunch of smelly feral dreadlocks, and Remus couldn't help looking at the shiny buckles on his shoes.

The image kept them both laughing for several minutes until Remus had to fall into the couch to avoid falling onto the floor. Sirius returned his image to it's former (very attractive) self and sat down on the couch and reclined against the arm, looking Remus over appraisingly.

"That's the first time I've seen you laugh in weeks." Sirius said.

Remus nodded and brushed his hair back through his fingers.

"I've been quite busy with my writing, of late."

"No," Sirius said. "It's more than that. Is it the Wolfsbane? Do you think it has some other effects that Snivellus neglected to tell us about?"

"No," Remus answered ponderously. "I think it's because of school."

"Hogwarts? My dear Moony, we haven't been at school for years!"

"Precisely," Remus sighed. "We've been without direction, without purpose, living off your inheritance and doing nothing for years. It's just not something I'm used to. At least, for you, there's cat chasing."

"So? You've still got the S-Factor to keep you going!" Sirius said, adopting his most manly of poses. "Besides, we're young, this is what we're supposed to be doing."

"I just can't help but feel I've got no purpose here."

"Moony, you're much too young to be questioning your existence." Sirius said in a poorly-attempted soothing manner.

"At least I know your existence," Remus laughed. "You've clearly been put on the earth to destroy my living room." He teased.

"It's not as bad as what Prongs did! Did Lily tell you what he did to their back yard when he was chasing that gnome? Merlin, he would be the most annoying person to live with."

"You'd come a close second," Remus laughed.

"You'll pay for that!" Sirius cried, and started tickling every inch of Remus' body. Remus quickly yielded, fearful of Remus tickles and the extremes they sometimes went to.

Sirius, being the kind and generous soul that he was, ceased tickling and trapped Remus in a tight hug. Remus sighed, knowing he couldn't get free if he tried.

"I just feel as though I woke up one day, and all my dreams were gone. Without school or a job I just don't know what I'm doing here."

"Enough of that speak!" Sirius grumbled. "I'll have none of that from my Moony." He rubbed Remus' arms and kissed the nape of his neck. Sirius closed his eyes and lay there, stroking Remus' neck with his thumb and whispering. "Hey, Moony. Are you keeping a secret?" He whispered. "Because I'm keeping one, too. Can you keep it a secret?"

Remus smiled and waited.

"I'm in love with you."


	4. Somewhere In Ohio

Somewhere In Ohio 

"Remus!" Sirius called, yelling as loud as he possibly could and making Remus painfully aware of how very drunk and stoned Sirius truly was. "Prongs!" Sirius yelled. "Moony's in the fireplace!"

"Remus!" Remus heard James's voice explode through the kitchen door just a moment before the man himself.

James joined Sirius and they knelt before the fireplace, grinning stupidly at Remus's floating head as it studied them with raised eyebrow from its disembodied position.

"How's Ohio?" James asked, trying for all the world to look as though he was concentrating. Sirius swung his attention back from a fly that had been buzzing around his head and stared at Remus, stunned.

"Ohio?" He asked.

"Yes, Sirius, you know that. I'm in Ohio. Lecturing muggles, remember?"

"Ohio?" Sirius repeated, then he grinned. "Ohio!" He yelled.

"Ohio!" James responded, lifting the pitch and emphasis on the 'hi' and dragging out the 'o' at the end.

"Ohio!" Sirius yelled.

Remus sat patiently, or at least it would appear patient to any who were unaware of how tired he truly was. The 'ohio' game continued for some time until James's 'ohio' was the loudest and he dragged out the 'o' longer than had yet been done.

"…ooooooo- I'm hungry." He said suddenly and stood up, running to the kitchen.

Sirius rose from where he had been in a fit of giggles upon Remus' favourite Persian rug, and looked back into the fireplace, wiping his eyes as he did so.

"How is the job?" He asked, with a serious face, to his credit.

"The job is fine." Remus said, rubbing his eyes and sighing to avoid a yawn.

"Honestly, Moony, lecturing muggles!" Sirius shook his head. "I don't see how it can be done. Don't you just get the urge to hex them when they don't listen?"

"They're actually quite good listeners." Remus said. "It's amazing how much they want to learn."

"But you can't teach them anything, can you? I mean, what can you do?"

"Classical literature, actually."

"Ah, so all that reading paid off, huh." Sirius nodded, a deeply thoughtful expression upon his face. If it weren't for the reddening of his eyes, and drooping of his eyelids, and the slight alcoholic slur in his voice, one wouldn't even know that anything was amiss. Still, Remus knew. He always knew.

"What have you two been up to?" Remus asked, trying to engage Sirius's swiftly-slipping attention.

"Me and James baked." He said, grinning widely. "We baked a cake this afternoon, and cookies, and then a Crême Brûlée!"

"Good on you." Remus chuckled.

"And we only burnt a few of the cookies." Sirius was quite obviously pleased with himself.

"Padfoot wants to learn to cook before you get back so you won't have to do it so much." James said, skipping back into the room with a plate full of cake and cookies. "And I'm teaching him pasta sauces and roast and everything."

"We're learning together!" Sirius grumbled, rather affronted that his surprise had been spoiled. "You don't know how to cook a roast."

"Yes I do! I learnt it from Lily!"

"Liar."

"I did!"

Remus laughed and shook his head. He couldn't help staring at Sirius as the two of them argued their point. Being away for so long, he started to notice the way Sirius's t-shirt fell down from his strong shoulders, and he yearned to touch it, rub his hands up and down those arms.

"Fine," Sirius said. "But you didn't know how to bake a cake."

"And you didn't even know how to cook rice." James said, and turned to Remus. "He burnt lunch today. I nearly starved!"

"And how does Lily feel about you passing on her roast-knowledge to one such as Sirius?" Remus asked, all seriousness in mockery.

"She doesn't know about the cooking. She doesn't know we're drinking or getting high either." James said.

"Those were the two primary objectives of the day." Sirius put in helpfully.

"Yeah. When she asked what we were doing this afternoon, I nearly panicked. But I managed to stay calm in the end." James nodded, self-satisfied.

"What did you tell her?" Remus asked.

"I told her we were watching porn." James smiled.

"Nice cover." Sirius said reverently.

"That's when she said I could stay the night." James grinned.

"Slumber party!" Sirius yelled, falling back on the carpet in a fit of laughter.

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes, though somewhere during the roll his eyes managed to focus themselves on Sirius arse, one of the more alluring of his many alluring features. James spotted the stare and jumped up, informing Sirius of his need to piss and ran out of the living room. Sirius sat up again.

"You look tired, Moony." Sirius said. "Was it last night, for you?"

"No, the night before." Remus turned his head to show a scratch that ran under the right side of his jaw and down onto his neck. Sirius frowned.

"I wasn't there." He said. His frown was something desperate and sorry.

"It's alright, Sirius. I did alright." Remus soothed.

"Yes, but, I wasn't there." Sirius said. "I miss you, Rem."

"I miss you too." Remus said, and smiled a small secret smile. "And I'm coming home."

"You are?" Sirius beamed.

"Yes. I've done a semester here, but…" Remus shook his head. Sirius was still smiling.

"Moony's coming home!" He cheered, and soon it was transformed into a little ditty that Sirius started chanting as he skipped around the room. He sat down after a bit and looked into the fireplace-Moony's eyes. "Soon?" He asked quietly.

"A few weeks." Remus promised. "I just don't feel right over here."

"Because I'm not there?" Sirius teased.

"Yes." Remus said. There was a pause for a moment.

"I love you, Remus." Sirius smiled. Remus smiled. Sirius grabbed a bit of Floo-powder and tossed it into the fire, sticking his head in and, by some strange stretch of magic, kissed Remus. Though it was only a ghost of a kiss, they both felt it.

"See you soon, Sirius." Remus promised.

"Bye Moony!" Sirius yelled. "I love you!"

Remus chuckled. "Good bye, Padfoot. I love you, too."


	5. A Break In The Clouds

A Break In The Clouds 

Dedicated to Lucy, for listening.

"Sign here," The young man said, pointing his grubby finger at a spot near the top of the page. "And here. Lovely." He smiled and Remus winced at the state of the man's teeth. He thanked the deliveryman and sighed when the door was shut, leaning his back against it for a moment. Remus looked at the package that had just been delivered and took a deep breath. What on earth could this be?

He started to meticulously separate the brown paper from the brown tape, and untie the string until he decided 'sod it' and tore the lot off. Some rational part of him would later regret this, thinking it best to have kept the stuff in tact so he could reuse it later, finances being what they were, but that would be later, and this was now.

Remus turned the huge rectangular thing over. It was a large painting of Remus' old garden in his parents' country home. It had been passed onto him after their death, but he had sold it almost immediately. The pain of going back there was too much for him to face.

The painting was just of the garden, though, not the house. There was nobody in it, yet Remus had a strange feeling that there rather should be. To prove him right, a little person jumped out from behind the big elm tree.

Remus gasped and dropped the painting, which made a loud bang when it hit the floorboards. He clutched his chest and fell back against the hallway wall, his heart beating faster than ever and tears springing up in his eyes. He blinked them away and looked back at the painting. There was a pint-sized little Sirius running like a madman around the tree, now, and Remus recalled that he had seen this painting before.

OoOoOoO

"Boys, please stay in the garden! Please, so I can see you in the frame. Remember we discussed the frame? Off the flowerbed, Sirius!"

"Mother, why don't we just take a photo? It'll work just as well." Remus moaned.

"Because I won't have the experience of painting you." Mrs Lupin argued. "Now get back over there by that tree so I can finish this before it rains!"

"Mrs Lupin!" James yelled from somewhere behind the elm.

"What is it, James?" She asked.

"There's something wrong with your river." He answered.

"It's magical," Remus explained, dashing off to where James had been joined by Sirius and Peter, peering into the river.

"There's no reflection!" Sirius said, holding his arm out above the water to see its reflection, but there was nothing there.

"I can't see any water," Peter said.

"Oh, it's there," Sirius laughed, scooping a large handful of water and tossing it at Peter.

"Ai, it's cold! It's bloody cold!" Peter roared, running away from the river. He quickly doubled back and knocked Sirius head-first into the cold water.

"It's magical, you say?" James asked, staring at Sirius' antics as he flailed about complaining of drowning or some such.

"Yes," Remus told him, watching as Sirius jumped out of the water and began to run about. "We don't know what it is, exactly, but all kinds of magical animals come to drink the water. Also, mum boiled it for tea once, and it turned my hair violet. Why still don't know why."

"Purple hair, yellow eyes. You would have looked marvellous in a spandex suit." Sirius said, grinning as he approached Remus from behind.

Remus began to laugh before seriousness of the soaking-wet-Sirius-sneaking-up-behind-him situation fully registered. Remus yelped as he felt a freezing cold, wet Sirius chest press against him from behind, soaking Remus' shirt through and chilling his whole back.

"Bastard!" He yelled, and turned, ready to attack a hysterically laughing Sirius with whatever he could find. He swung around to see Sirius grinning, dripping from head to toe with his shirt clinging close to his torso. His eyes could barely be seen, so thickly covered were they by the water-soaked hair that dripped all around him. Sirius was smiling as he pushed back his hair and he winked at Remus who smiled quietly to himself, before pelting a handful of mud into that smug grin.

OoOoOoO

Remus sat down in the hallway beside the painting. He could see them all, now, running around the garden, soaked in water and covered in dirt. The tiny Sirius and Remus stole a kiss when they thought they were hidden behind the tree. Then the little Sirius ran up to the front of the painting, grinning, and blew a kiss.

"Hi Moony!" He said, and he winked before he ran back to play.

Remus choked to hear that voice. He would never hear it again, now. Before there had been a chance, but now there was nothing. The veil had stolen his last hope.

Each time Sirius ran around the tree, Remus' breath caught and he felt that cool water running down his back again, soaking him and reminding him what should be there but isn't.

He flipped the painting over and found a little letter attached to the back. He read it.

_Dear Moony,_

_I enchanted this to send itself to you if anything ever happened to me, so I suppose something did, eh? Probably jinxed myself. Well, I'm sorry I hoarded this painting for all those years. Your mum gave it to me for my birthday one year and, well, you know. But my point is this: I love you. Heh, yeah, it's true. Do you remember when I soaked your back in water? That was when I first realised that's where I belonged. Not behind you, not like that! But that stuff is very nice. Especially when you used to do that thing, the shaking thing? But I mean with you, I knew I belonged with you (and sometimes behind you). It was really a matter of love-at-first-mudball-to-the-face, I think. So here's to you, my Moony._

_Love always, S_

Remus cried.


	6. Queen Of The World

Queen Of The World

A dedication to the uncanny relation between the writing creations of Enelya & me.

(and posted so that I may have goats and an asparagus raft)

"It's true what young Snivellus is saying, Professors." Sirius said loudly, standing up and addressing as much of the Great Hall as possible. "Last night an expedition was undertaken to exit this place of education, this fine facility known as Hogwarts. It was, as per usual for us, completely successful."

"And now you idiots will be in detention for the rest of your schooling life." Snape said with a triumphant glare (if such a thing is, indeed, possible).

"You mean to say 'lives', dear Snivellus, and no, I don't believe we will. You see, my friends," addressing the entire Gryffindor table, "I am in love."

"Oh, no." Remus muttered, burying his head in his arms. "Oh, please no."

"Yes, indeed, my good people," Sirius went on. "I am a man in love! And will you, Professor, truly condemn a man in love?" He asked, turning to the first Professor he found. A very sceptical looking Professor Vestry raised an eyebrow at him. Sirius, undaunted, turned to the next Professor, Horace Slughorn, who chuckled to himself. Sirius turned to Professor McGonagall with a pleading expression mixed with his most charming of smiles.

"Of course, you wouldn't!" Sirius cried. "For I am a man in love, and that is something far beyond condemnation! Last night was an Adventure!" Sirius yelled, striking a manly, heroic pose, one leg up on the table, the other on the bench.

"Sirius!" Peter yelled. "Your foot is in my porridge!"

"It's ok," Sirius whispered back. "These are new shoes."

"Mr Black." Said a calm voice from behind. Sirius whipped around to see Professor Dumbledore standing with a docile air and a subtle smile beside Professor McGonagall a few feet away from Sirius.

"Yes Professor?" Sirius asked, beaming.

"Might I enquire as to your whereabouts last night?" Dumbledore asked.

"Muggle music concert, Professor."

"I see. Mr Black, is there any valid reason I should not be giving you and your cohorts detention for the rest of your Seventh and final year?" Dumbledore asked. Snape smirked.

"Several, Professor," Sirius grinned. "Mostly because of the tedium involved in implementing your most genius of plans," Here Remus quietly pondered Sirius' impressive grasp of eloquence when it came to weaselling out of trouble, "but also," Sirius went on, "because, as I was explaining to our good student body, here, I am in love."

"I see," Dumbledore said. He glanced at a stressed looking McGonagall and winked. She smiled briefly, then turned her stern expression on Sirius.

"And last night, during our Adventure!" He struck his manly pose again. "I came to the realisation that I am, in fact, the King of the World."

"The King of the world?" Dumbledore repeated.

"Indeed." Sirius grinned. "And this, my faithful subjects, is my Queen."

Remus yelped as he was hoisted out of his seat and up onto the table. Sirius conjured a crown atop each of their heads and turned back to present Remus to the whole great hall.

From three of the tables a huge roar of laughter and cheering sprang up (and crying from many of the female students), and the ill-fated hisses and boos of the Slytherins only served to add to the din.

Remus turned to glare at Sirius, but found himself smiling instead at the absurdity of it all. There stood Sirius, grinning at Remus with all the confidence in the world, and no idea what he had just done. This, truly, would be a year to remember. Their final year at Hogwarts, it seemed, was going to be something quite special.

"Last night, in that crowd," Sirius was whispering to him, their foreheads pressed together. "You were a rose among the reeds."

"Among the thorns, Sirius." Remus laughed.

And despite all misgivings and better judgement - much better judgement - Remus leant in for a golden kiss.


	7. Life Floats By

Life Floats By

'Tough times.' They say. 'Scary, dark.' They say. They talk about the evil in the world today. They speak of fear and they fear to speak. They who preach goodness. 'We must stand and fight,' and yet they flee. They damn well hide. But the elusive and formless 'they' is the least of my problems.

It's him that concerns me. So quiet. He was never quiet, never. The suspicion. Damn the suspicion. I hate looking at my friends, at my acquaintances and thinking 'are they on You Know Who's side?' My family, I don't need to question. He worries about his family, though. They'll be His to the end. And Regulus. Maybe one day he'll come around. Until then… well, until then.

England. Foggy and disgusting as ever. Not even a nice bit of scenery to keep me going in the city. At least at our country house I could see the fields and trees and the mountains. Have the illusion of freedom. Here, there are no illusions except those we create for ourselves. Here it's just buildings and roads and cars and powerlines reflecting that tiny piece of sunlight that seems to work it's way through. Now sunlight! Now gone. Yet another huge black cloud looking as happy as I feel.

He's tidying when I get home. I can't even say anything. I can't think of anything to say. I just stare. That grey jumper. My grey jumper. He always looked good in grey. He always looked good with me. Well, I am wearing his blue one, fair's fair.

If I knew what to say, I would very much like to speak to him. No, I know what I should say. But saying it, there's the real challenge.

'Sirius, I know nobody trusts anybody, but I still trust you with my life. I love you and always will, please don't suspect me of anything. Or do, if you have to, so long as you still love me.'

In my mind I say it. Before I can speak, he speaks.

"I'm going out. I have to check on Peter. See how the little guy's doing."

I nod. "Of course." I say. "I'll be going down to the shops shortly. Shall we go and see James and Lily this evening? See little Harry?"

"It's a little risky these days." He says. He's hiding something. He's their secret keeper, is he not?

"My, my, Sirius, how these dark times have changed us – I now have you counselling me on caution." He laughs and I feel like crying.

How these times have changed us, indeed. The way we act, it's not bloody natural. Why couldn't it stay as it was? Each time I consider what this war has done to Padfoot and me, I have a newfound hatred for He Who Must Not Be Named. His foolish war. Damn him.

The way we act is as if we have lived a fake life, or as if we're living one now. Two actors playing rolls on stage with no chemistry. If I could just convince myself I didn't love him, don't love him, can't love him. I imagine it would hurt less, then. Oh, Sirius, if I could convince myself I never really loved you.

He smiles and moves past me to the door, brushing a tender kiss on my lips as he goes by. He grabs his coat, his hat, and my novel-in-progress that he insists upon reading. I look down, ashamed that I could ever try to not love him. In the corner of my eye I see him smile. Then he slips away and I'm left smiling, left crying, and left loving him. Loving him always.


	8. Broken Harpoon

Broken Harpoon 

"Sirius, what are you playing at?" Remus smiled. This was rare at the time, as it was fast approaching the full moon. He dreaded it and hated and feared it. "Are you up to trouble, again?" He asked, knowing full well that when Sirius had _that _face, he was most definitely up to trouble.

"Trouble?" Sirius laughed. "Me? Don't be absurd, man."

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Sirius," James said, an excited grin on his face as he and Peter entered the room bearing with them a large box. "I think it is time to unveil our plans."

"Now, James? Are you sure?" Sirius asked, melodramatically creeping forward on his knees, hands outstretched.

"Yes, my loyal manservant, now." James said with all the airs of a real aristocrat.

"Manservant?" Sirius yelled, outraged. "Manservant!"

"Certainly." James laughed. "But, my friends, it is time to unveil our master plan."

Remus frowned and reached for a book, certain that he would need something to distract him so that he could have nothing to do with their trouble. If he didn't see or hear it, he didn't have to tell them off. Win-win.

"Uh uh uh, Remus. No books, this time. You see this plan centres its very existence upon you." James grinned.

"James, you know I don-"

"Don't prank, don't trick, don't practical joke, don't shag me on a Sunday…" Sirius listed.

"Ugh, Sirius!" Peter grumbled.

"Pete's right, Sirius," James said, hiding a smile. "That really is a little too much information."

"What about last Sunday?" Remus said, jabbing Sirius' arm.

"Oh, yeh. That was a good one."

"Sirius!" Two people yelled.

"Now, then. What's this scheme you have going?" Remus asked, a little reluctantly.

"Oh, you'll love it." Sirius said.

"Firstly, my dear Remus, we have some introductions to make." James said, approaching the bed on which Remus was perched, and kneeling down with the box held out before him.

Remus took the box, about the size of a shoebox, and lifted off the lid carefully, puzzled, although pleased with what he found. He reached both hands in and waited for the four very life-like little creatures to jump into his palms before withdrawing his hands to look at them closely. It was a tight fit

The first was a tiny little wolf, with certain differences (the eyes, for instance), which set it apart as a werewolf. It was about big enough to curl up in his palm and occupy that whole space. Fortunately, it was standing. Now, Remus being the clever person that he was, looked at his three friends, and the four creatures and deduced that this werewolf was, in fact, a mini-Remus. He saw certain colourings on the coat that confirmed his suspicions, which lead him to further puzzlement over the remaining three creatures, all leaping about in his hands.

The smallest one, he noted was in fact a rat. The rat was not to scale, being only about a quarter of the size of the wolf, but it had a wormy little tail that felt real enough as it squirmed about, avoiding the dog's playful snaps. Remus picked up the wolf and the little grey rat and put them back in the box.

The next creature was a stag, standing proud and showing off its little antlers. Remus saw something marvellous in this stag that instantly reminded him of James. A certain well-deserved pride stemming from the knowledge of his own goodness, and kindness of heart. It playfully charged the dog and trotted back and forth on Remus' palm, seeming to smile mischievously. Remus laughed and dropped it back in the box with the wolf and the rat.

The last creature he studied was a tiny-big black dog, currently attempting to gnaw off his left thumb. When Remus put his nose down to study it, the dog ran up and started licking his face, actually leaving tiny wet tongue-marks and barking happily as it ran around in circles. Remus laughed and put the dog back in the box with the others.

"So." Remus said, still a little perplexed. "Are you going to introduce us?"

"Oh, no. They're just reminders." James said. "We're going to introduce you to us… and them. It's a bit of both, I suppose."

"Ahem, perhaps I shall introduce us." Sirius said with an accent fit for royalty.

"Certainly, my good chap." James grinned, joining in.

"Splendid."

"Magnificent."

"Tremendous."

"Marvellous."

"Superb."

"Dinner!" Remus said.

"My good man," James frowned, "that is hardly the tone of this conversation." He awaited a response with Sirius shaking solemnly his head beside him.

"Dinner is soon, so you'd best introduce us." Remus explained.

"Ah, right you are." Sirius nodded. "First things first, I shall introduce you to you. You see, Remus, you have never, I think, truly met yourself as we plan on seeing you."

"What?"

"Remus." Sirius said, taking one of his hands. "I would like you to meet Moony." Sirius picked up the little wolf and dropped him in Remus' hand.

"Very good." Remus said. "Lovely to meet you, Moony."

"Now, James, if you will step forward and present yourself." Sirius said.

"Remus, Moony, I would like for you to meet the me's in this room. We are known as Prongs." James said, picking up the little stag and bowing.

"And me and me are Wormtail." Peter said, picking up the tiny little rat by its tail and popping it down with the wolf.

"And finally," Sirius said, "the prettiest of us all. I would like you to meet me, Padfoot."

Remus nodded and smiled. He looked at all the tiny little animals and all the people.

"So you've all chosen guises for yourselves?" Remus said.

"For a smart person, you're quite daft." James grinned. "Our guises chose us."

"What do you mean?" Remus asked.

"Don't you listen in DADA?" Sirius rolled his eyes. "Granted, nor do I, but I did listen when they started talking about werewolves, especially that part about sexual practices. Hey, do you remember that part when they were talking about experimentation? Do you suppose that would include the handcuffs, or those potions we took? I can't decide whether that was your idea or mine…"

"Sirius!"

"Oh, right. Sorry." Sirius mumbled.

"What Sirius was trying to explain was that we listened in particular to the part where they explained that werewolves don't harm other animals." James explained.

"So you made me miniature animals?" Remus asked.

"Nope. We went one better that that." Sirius grinned. And, just like that, he turned into a big, shaggy dog. Remus stared around as each of his friends turned into their respective animals and danced around the room before turning back into human form and approaching Remus with the biggest grins on their faces.

"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs." James announced.

"Finally, something to put on that damned map." Sirius grinned.

Remus smiled, too. And he damn-near cried. Later that evening, lying in bed, he did cry. Sirius lay there beside him, holding him, rubbing his arms soothingly.

"You've all done so much for me." Remus said. "Once upon a time, I would have taken that secret to my grave. But you lot… you changed that. I used to drown each time I changed, drown in my own screams and pain. Agony. But you have all done the most marvellous thing. You've set me free."

"We're the Marauders, Moony." Sirius whispered, kissing the back of Remus' neck. "We draw the lines, we write the rules."

"Sirius." Remus whispered.

"Yep."

"I love you."


	9. Pretty Thing

Pretty Thing

"Ooh, ooh!" Sirius began, giggling to himself. "That one, do you remember? When we had the peanuts?"

The four young men burst into laughter. None of them needed any further explanation than that to recall the event that would, amongst the staff at Hogwarts, be ever known as the 'Day of the Transfigured Peanut Monkeys'.

"I think the hallucinating mermaids was the best one," Peter said, grinning as they all recalled the day when the mermaids started synchronised-swimming in the lake after James had (via gillyweed) delivered them a special potion.

"McGonagall looked scandalised!" James roared with laughter.

"Not half so scandalised as Dumbledore," Remus said, grinning ear to ear. "He had only just negotiated peace with them after the fluorescent squid day."

"That squid has never looked better," Sirius said, and James nodded, both of them grinning.

"Good times, good times," James said.

"Ah, but the good times will still go on," Peter said, enthusiastically.

"True," Sirius said loudly. "Nothing, not even the impending marriage of our dearest James here, could break up the Marauders."

James smiled fondly and nodded in agreement.

"I propose a toast," Remus said. "Though, I have a feeling that Sirius wishes to make a speech..."

"Because he's ever so eloquent after a few pints," Peter said, laughing.

"I am always eloquote." Sirius muttered, frowning at the both of them, and then turning back to James, his drink held high.

"When I first met our dear Prongs," Sirius began. "I had never before met a man who could hold his own against me in a pumpkin-juice sculling competition."

"You were very good," James ceded, nodding.

"Shut up, I'm toasting you!" Sirius snapped, grinning, and went on with his speech. "As I was saying, I had never met a man who could keep up with me. Then young James waltzed into the Great Hall one morning, picked up a jug and downed the lot of it before my eyes in a little under eight seconds."

"Seven and a half was my best recorded time," James interrupted.

"And then the years went by, and we started drinking other things, and then drunkenness ensued, as we can see tonight."

"So many nights wasted." James said grinning.

"Yet not a wasted night." Sirius said.

"Eloquote." Peter muttered, and he and Remus chuckled.

"It was on that day, when I observed that fine display of physical and mental prowess," Sirius continued. "That I knew we would be great friends. As I was saying, the years went by. And as they did, I was proven right. Again We did become great friends, we all did," he swept his hand around the table to include Remus and Peter as well. "Hogwarts shall always remember the Marauders, and that is a result of the fine friendships we here have formed."

"Here, here!" Remus called, and they all cheered and downed a few mouthfuls.

"And now, my friends, our little boy is growing up." Sirius went on, smiling again and wiping a faux tear from his eye. "And he's getting married, becoming a real man, so to speak, with his lovely wife future Lily, which I still find hard to believe."

"All those years of chasing her." Peter laughed.

"Indeed, and I finally caught her." James cheered.

"Don't flatter yourself, Prongs," Remus chuckled. "Lily did the catching."

"But regardless, you're together now, which is something we're all thrilled to see." Sirius said. "And our lives are changing, despite what we'd all like to believe. James is no longer a bachelor, hence our celebrations tonight. He's a big man, now, and the world is a-changing. But my point is this: we are still the Marauders, that is a title we can bear to the end. New backdrop, but the same old play."

James smiled at Sirius, loathe to admit that he was feeling a little sentimental at this point. He took a deep breath and stood up, raising his glass to his three friends.

"My friends, I propose a simple toast," He said. "To friends, who shall remain Marauders till the day we die."

"And beyond, if it can be arranged." Sirius said, grinning.

"Cheers," they all called, and downed their respective drinks.

"And on that note," James added. "I think more drinks are in order."

"And more bloody food." Peter said with a smile. They both went off in search of their prey.

"Very lovely speech," Remus said, nudging Sirius who turned about to speak.

"I thought so," He said, still grinning.

"Cocky bastard," Said Remus.

"And proud of it."

"You looked lovely, making that speech." Remus said, smiling impishly.

"Oh did I?" Sirius asked, stroking Remus' hand where it rested on his thigh under the table.

"Such a pretty thing," Remus said, grinning.

"I sure am." Sirius said. "And so are you."

He kissed Remus quickly and subtly, and then sat back with his drink and eyed Remus carefully.

"I still have that collection, you know?" Sirius said.

"Of what?"

"Photographs."

"Photographs?" Remus repeated, confused.

"Pictures of the boys, passed out in their beds," Sirius explained, and they thought back to the night when they had done a tour of the whole Gryffindor tower the night after the Quidditch cup win, and took a camera with them. It was a fine collection, as Remus remembered. Especially after James had jinxed half of the students to have strange growths, odd coloured hair, and purely unnatural outfits.

"True collector till the end." Remus laughed.

"Indeed." Sirius said, and kissed him again.


	10. Mr Wilson

Mr. Wilson

Remus rested his chin on his knees, which were drawn up to his chest, and he hugged his legs as he watched the three other boys sit and scheme on the common room floor.

"We have to target all of them, especially the children," Sirius said, "They're losing respect for their elders. And they're all evil!"

"Alright, but that means that I'm going to have to give up a Quidditch practise night." James grumbled.

"Nonsense," Peter put in. "You can just work around it."

"And I can work through it." Sirius added. "Remus, too."

"I would as well, but I've got detention that night." Peter said, frowning.

"So we can do it, then?" Sirius asked, looking at James.

James grinned and sat down at his planning-couch.

"I believe we can, lads." He said, and he opened up the map.

"Thank Merlin for that." Sirius said, sitting down next to James and sighing with relief. "I was so scared we wouldn't be able to do it. Already I was worried that my best was all in the past."

"Most of it was my best," James said, smiling, "And I've still got years to go with my genius planning skills."

Sirius scoffed and rolled his eyes, all in jest, and reached for their latest bag of stolen potions materials. He winked at Remus and beckoned for him to join them.

* * *

Remus sat at the end of the table, resting his chin in his hand. He watched them all as they planned.

"We shall have to strike soon," Dumbledore said solemnly. He addressed the small team of people he had assigned to this task. The Marauders plus three.

"It will take a lot of effort, this one." James said, looking at Melvin to see what his thoughts were.

"Sirius, are you certain you can get us in there?" Melvin asked, glancing at his wife Shanti as he so often did these days, ever worried.

"So long as Sal can get me that stuff." Sirius assured them.

"Salinster?" Dumbledore asked, looking to her.

"Got it here." She said, and passed Sirius the small bag of magical items.

Sirius smiled slightly as he put the bag on the table and started looking through it. He caught Remus' eye and winked.

* * *

Remus tapped his foot nervously as he waited for Sirius' signal. The signal came in a significantly different form than they had planned.

"Run!" Sirius yelled, and grabbed Remus by the arm as he came around the corner at high speed. Together they bolted down the hallways and turned left, left, right, left and then right into the disused classroom they had been occupying while planning this latest anti-Slytherin venture.

"Did you get it in?" Remus asked, half excited about the answer, half apprehensive.

"Yes!" Sirius yelled, and then calmed down as Remus grinned. "They'll all awake to the sweet sound of dragons, and the smell of dungbombs."

Remus whooped and they jumped around, cheering loudly in the sound-proofed room.

"Fantastic." Remus said, thoroughly pleased with the idea, now.

"Kiss me." Sirius said, grinning stupidly, and he didn't wait for a response.

* * *

"He should be here." Melvin whispered.

Remus nodded, but stayed silent. He tended to be very silent when he was worried, and he was, most definitely, worried.

"Remus, is he here yet?" James asked, apparating beside him.

"He's late," Melvin told him.

They heard a noise and they all raised their wands in the direction it came from. A second later they heard thumping footsteps and the whizzing and zapping of curses flying past.

"Run!" Sirius called to them.

The four of them turned and bolted, occasionally throwing a curse behind them. When they reached a safe distance they all apparated back to head quarters at Hogsmeade and stood panting in the hallway of the small house.

"It's done." Sirius said. "I planted it and they thought I was just spying on them."

"When will it go off?" Melvin asked.

"Tomorrow. About eight hours from now, and they'll all be unconscious before they know it." Sirius told him.

"Wonderful," Said Dumbledore, who had been watching them since they came in. He beckoned for them all to follow him back into the dining hall, and Remus waited for Sirius to catch his breath.

"I was worried," He said.

"I know." Sirius replied, and he gripped Remus' elbow as they went back into the planning room.

* * *

"Did you hear about Theodore?" Peter asked as he came back into the dorm.

"Theodore Wilson?" James asked, piping up.

"He was the very farthest from the exit from the dungeons." Peter told them, and laughed to himself.

"And?" Sirius asked, glancing at Remus as the three of them waited for Peter to get on with it.

"He passed out at the door, and landed on Snape." Peter said, and they all cheered. "Snape got stuck and he's up in the Infirmary because his ears won't stop ringing and he keeps throwing up everything he eats!"

"Haha! Fantastic." James said, holding up an imaginary drink. "Here's to another successful mission. Well done, Marauders."

"Indeed." Sirius agreed, holding up his own imaginary glass of something. "Snivellius. Smarmy git deserves everything he gets. And that bloody Wilson, dirty, slimy Wilson." They laughed and downed their invisible drinks and Remus approached Sirius for a kiss and a hug. And he'd damned if he wasn't going to get them.

* * *

"Unfortunate news." Dumbledore said as he addressed the Order, all of whom had gathered to review the outcome of their latest raid on Voldemort's followers. "I'm afraid Mr. Wilson was killed in an explosion caused by our actions yesterday."

"Killed?" Sirius asked. His eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth hung open as he waited for Dumbledore to explain himself.

"There was a fault in one of the items." Dumbledore told them, mostly Sirius. "Theodore Wilson was right at the centre of the blast, and it killed him instantly. There were also minor injuries sustained by some of the other Death Eaters, but Mr. Wilson's body was collected and taken away by the Ministry today. They have also claimed the rest of the captures to be the work of their Aurors, as some of you may have seen in the Prophet today."

"Sirius," Remus whispered, as the rest of the room began discussing other things. He reached out to hold Sirius' hand, but Sirius pulled away and stood up, quickly leaving the room.

"Go on," James whispered. "I'll hold the fort here."

Remus stood up and followed Sirius out of the room and into the kitchen, where he found Sirius facing out the window, both hands leaning on the bench.

"It wasn't your fault." He said quietly, soothingly.

"I don't care." Sirius said. "He was a Death Eater. What do I care if he's dead?"

"Of course you care." Remus reasoned. "You're human."

"And he wasn't?" Sirius asked angrily. He hung his head and tried to take deep breaths. "Nobody was supposed to die. They were just meant to be asleep so we could come get them and take them to a nice little prison. It was foolproof. Bloody hell, Moony, it all fell through."

"Don't be absurd." Remus said, and he went over to stand behind Sirius, wrapping his arms around the other man's waist. "You didn't know. Nobody did."

"And I didn't bother to check. Like the last one. That was my fault as well." He said, referring to a previous mission which had, like this one, gone fatally wrong. "I had no time to check things," Sirius said, sarcastically. "No time to check, too busy screwing up the battle. Screwing up the bloody war."

"Accident." Remus said sternly.

"And how many accidents before I get someone on our side killed?" Sirius asked. "How many accidents before I get you killed?"

"I can't be killed." Remus told him.

Sirius turned around and stared at Remus, puzzled.

"And why's that?" He asked.

"Can't you see?" Remus asked, smiling. Sirius looked confused for a second more, and Remus rolled his eyes. "Guardian angel," He said, smoothing his finger over Sirius' jaw.

"I love you." Sirius said. He was still upset, that much Remus could see. But it would be alright. Remus nodded and kissed Sirius gently, then hugged him.

"I could hold you forever." He whispered. And he decided to give it a go, and they stood there, in the cold kitchen with the grey morning light moving through the kitchen window. They stood there, so content in their silence.


	11. In My Wildest Dreams

(In My) Wildest Dreams

Remus stirred his porridge around and around and around and around and –

"Are you going to eat that, Moony?"

Remus looked up at James's enquiring face and shrugged. He took up his spoon to have a mouthful and dropped it back in the bowl.

"No." He replied. He glanced down at the table. On the other side of Peter (who sat beside James who was seated to Remus's left) Sirius sat surrounded by a gaggling group of girls as per usual. As not-per-bloody-usual, he was engaged in loud conversation with them, smiling and laughing.

"He's bloody flirting." Scoffed James. He, too was watching Sirius' recent display of girl interaction, with something of the trepidation one could expect from a concerned best mate. Remus knew James was concerned about Sirius, and he knew it was for similar reasons to his own, but he very much doubted it could be the same reasons.

Three days ago, he and Sirius had kissed. Three days ago, Sirius had said he loved him. Three days ago he had said he loved Sirius. Three days ago, things were very different.

Later, when they sat outside after classes had finished for the day, James banished the girls. Sirius seemed angry, and Remus was rather pleased. Peter, naturally, was impressed with the speed with which James had dispatched the girls.

"We have to talk, mate." James said. His hand landed reflexively on his wand as he spotted Snivellus walk by in the distance, but it was too far away.

"What about?" Asked Sirius, quietly observing Remus with subtle sideways glances. Remus was slumped against the tree, knees drawn up to his chest and chin rested upon them.

"About those damn girls." James said. "What's with the sudden interest in your groupies, mate?" James asked, his voice low. Remus was glad for his wolf senses, despite the obvious drawback. He could hear what was being said even when Peter could not.

"What do you mean 'sudden interest'?" Sirius asked, scandalised and taking a cautious look in Remus' direction.

"You know what I bloody mean, Padfoot. Up until a short while ago, I would have tagged you for a shirtlifter. You never once paid attention to their flirting, unless you were bored or something. Why does it suddenly count?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sirius said, in a manner that clearly indicated he did.

"Look, Padfoot," James dropped his voice even lower and Remus nearly had to strain to hear. "Has this got to do with what happened with Moony?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sirius repeated slowly.

"Right. Fair enough." James said. Before Sirius knew what was happening, James was up and headed back towards the castle, Peter following him at top speed.

Remus looked about and frowned. He looked at _that_ face and pictured _that_ smile given to all those girls. They just thought he was pretty, and _he_ just thought they were convenient.

Sirius seemed only slightly deterred by the stony expression he was faced with, and made to tickle Remus at the back of the neck, behind the ear.

Sirius was deterred, however, when his hand was slapped away and the stony look on Remus' face was replaced with something much more hurt. Sirius sat back and tried to take Remus' elusive hand as he spoke to him.

"What's wrong, Moony?" He asked.

"Nice." Remus said sarcastically. "You can't, for the life of you, imagine what might have upset me, can you?"

Sirius was silent and looked over to the light reflecting off the surface of the lake. In the silence he managed to slowly move his hand into Remus' without objection. For what started out as a good day, this was looking to be nothing but trouble.

"I know what's wrong." He said.

"Congratulations."

"But the problem is with me, not you."

"How keenly observant of you." Remus growled.

"The problem is, I'm scared." Sirius whispered.

"Do you want me to feel sorry for you?" Remus snapped, snatching back the traitorous hand that had allowed itself to be captured just moments ago.

"No, I don't." Sirius snapped back. "But I'd just love for you to try to understand."

With that, Sirius stood up and stalked back to the castle.

Remus swore and ran a hand through his hair, gripping it at the back of his skull and a desire to scream welled up inside of him.

Three days ago, he had felt everything was going to be perfect. Sitting in that room, kissing Sirius, it had felt right. Even when they went back to their separate beds, Remus had grinned at the ceiling for hours.

But then there had been the silence. He had always supposed that you could just kiss the person you loved and tell them how you felt, and if they felt the same it would be alright. He had supposed that something would come of it. Instead there had been an awful awkwardness that had not abated, and then the girls came and Sirius responded and it all felt lost.

And despite it all, Remus couldn't bring himself to hate Sirius. He felt he should be angry, and he was angry, but he didn't hate him. Truth was, he loved Sirius. And damn it all, he had just gone and ruined it further!

It wasn't until much later, when James came and found him, that Remus returned to the dorms. Sirius was already in bed, curtains drawn shut, and Remus left his curtains open, eyes fixed on Sirius' bed. As Remus was drifting off, he saw Sirius' curtains part a sliver, and Sirius popped his head out, an apologetic look on his face.

The two of them lay still in their separate beds for a minute until Sirius winked as if to say he was sorry, and Remus smiled a little bit.

Sirius swung out of bed and shuffled over to Remus' bed, climbing under the blankets before an objection could be made. Remus soon found himself wrapped in those strong arms and he felt truly protected as he snuggled deeper.

"I'm sorry." Sirius whispered into Remus' hair, kissing the top of his head. Remus didn't reply, just nuzzled closer to Sirius' bare chest and put his own arms around Sirius' waist.

Sirius wasn't properly forgiven yet, but Remus was more than happy to start over. After all, three days ago, he couldn't have imagined this ever actually happening, not in his wildest dreams.


	12. Better Days

Better Days

"Remus!" His broken voice pitched into the air and hit me like a slap in the face. "Remus!"

Try as I might, I couldn't face him. The tears on his face, the ones in my eyes, I couldn't deny them. And I couldn't bear to watch the Aurors drag him away. I couldn't look at the muggles, scattered everywhere, screaming at the devastation on the road. I couldn't…

I stopped and looked to the middle of the road, to the roundabout. There sat a statue, a praying figure all carved from marble, and she seemed to weep as the rain fell down her face. I turned my back on her and apparated back home. Inside the door the room was dark. I turned to hang my hat, and saw the empty hook where his coat ought to be. But he had taken it with him when he went to "check up" on Wormtail. Oh, poor Peter.

The kitchen window sat a little ajar, as it always did, and the rain snuck in through the crack there, creeping its way down the wall and onto the bench.

In that room, everything reminded me of him. There were pictures on the wall, there were broken, uncleaned mugs lying in the sink. There was a jumper, that blue woollen jumper on the couch, the couch that he had insisted upon.

I stepped quietly over to the couch and sat down tentatively. The room was quiet and I didn't want to ruin that. The couch was cold, but it would warm soon. The jumper was cold, but it smelled of him.

I had looked at his eyes, and I recall feeling as though I was watching his heart break as I turned away from him. He had stopped screaming then, he had stopped calling my name. That black-haired boy who had taught me the truth about everything, that god to my world, that wonderful creature who had taught me, above all other things, what love truly means. I had closed my eyes and turned away, walking back down the street and his silence was cutting.

"_I regret nothing," he said, smiling, tossing another frog in his mouth._

"_Everyone regrets something,." I told him._

"_True, there is one thing I regret," he kissed my cheek and I smiled despite myself. There was no need for him to tell me what he was talking about. "The way I see it, you'll only ever truly regret the things you didn't do, or at least, you'll regret them more than anything else."_

I breathed, shuddering, and dug myself further into the soft couch, clutching his jumper to my chest until my arms started to ache. Let them ache.

"I could have turned," I told myself. "I could have stayed."

I could have done a lot of things. But I didn't do them. I turned and I walked away, leaving him to the Aurors, leaving him to Azkaban, though I could barely admit that to myself.

"_So tell me," he went on. "If everyone regrets something, what do you regret?"_

"I regret one thing, Sirius," I whispered, as though, for the life of me, he could hear it. "I loved you, and I still love you." I clutched the jumper even tighter to my chest, and breathed its scent deeply.

I regret that I didn't turn, and run right back to you.


	13. Baby, Baby, Baby

Baby, Baby, Baby

But first, an important word from the author:

This last chapter is dedicated not only to Enelya and Evalanis, who helped me greatly with many of the chapters and much of the content, but also to everyone who reviewed, without whom I may never have found the motivation to complete this brief installation of gasp song-based fics (based on the album Smile by the Jayhawks, thanks to them, too). And also, to J.K.Rowling, the inventor of those two young (in our hearts) men upon whom I've based this fic. And, I think it's important to note what Bottlebrush said in a review, about this magical world where a simple action or word could bind you. So: thank you, goodbye, and enjoy...

Remus stopped in the centre of the darkened room and stared at the tall, stone monument; testament to both mystery and to his grief. The fabric blew back and forth slightly, guided by its own breeze, its own reality and wind. Remus sat down and hugged his legs as he stared at the thing, listening carefully to see if he could hear the voices Harry had once spoken about, the indistinct whispers that were supposed to come from behind the veil. Maybe one of them would be his…

"Well," Remus began, "It's over."

He paused and frowned, and gave a bemused sort of laugh. This was absurd. Ludicrous, talking to a stone doorway, or whatever it was. Absurd. He reached out and let his hand swift past the fabric as it moved about. It was cold, much colder than the stones beneath him and the air around him. Remus let his hand drop.

"It's all over, now," he went on, some little part of him winning the mini-debate regarding the sanity of talking to a mystery.

"Voldemort's dead, Harry saw to that. The Death Eaters. Well, they're mostly captured by now. They knew it was the end proper, this time. Half of them just walked right into the ministry and handed over their wands. It was a hell of a sight. Bellatrix, though… she, well, Harry was… he was angry. At any rate, she got her come uppance, so to speak.

"You'd be proud of Harry. He was so strong through it all. He did everything he needed to do, and he did it all well. He had Ron and Hermione's help, of course, and his other classmates as well. The Order wasn't doing too well after Dumbledore was gone, but they did their part. Everyone, I suppose, did their part.

"And now it's all over. A new era, really. Everything, even the relationship of sorts that I had with Tonks. Dear Nymphadora. She's doing well, but she knew I was never really there, never really with her. I think, by now, everyone knows that I'm not really here. Whether or not they know where I am is another matter."

Remus crossed his legs and pulled up the little bag of things he had brought with him.

"I, uh. I collected a few things up, things that, well, you might like. Or… I don't know. I really don't know. I just brought some things with me to throw through the veil in the hopes that they might go somewhere and you might, wherever you are, feel better for that tiny little sacrifice. Really I just don't know."

He opened the bag and pulled out the first item, all wrapped in linen. He rubbed his thumb along the fabric, gently touching the sharp edges of what lay within.

"The mirror, firstly." He said. "Harry broke it, a long time ago. I gave him the other three in exchange for this one, for whatever reason. I won't unwrap it. That could be messy."

Remus reached forward and parted the veil slightly, shuddering at the nothing he found behind it. He threw the mirror in and let the curtain fall back to its original shifting position. It moved about a little more restlessly, as if shaking its fist at Remus for disturbing it.

Remus then reached back into the bag and carefully lifted out the next object, rolling it about in his hands as he admired it for the last time.

"You'd enjoy this one." He said. "The very last snitch James caught while we were at Hogwarts. He gave it to you, as you might recall, and then you gave it to me. I was going to pass it on to Harry, but, well, circumstances changed. So, here it is. From me back to you."

He tossed the snitch from where he sat and it disappeared swiftly through the curtains, going to a place Remus doubted he could even imagine. He sighed and sat back, still listening for the voices, half wishing that they would speak. He reached into the bag and pulled out the next object, smiling sadly and fondly.

"And here, my friend, is the very finest collection of photos I've ever seen. Of course, the first night you get a hold of a camera just happens to be the night of our seventh year Quidditch cup win for Gryffindor." Remus said, chuckling. "I think you've got some fine photos in here. Good memories, all."

He opened the lid and smiled at the first one he came across.

"James would have paid you plenty for this one." He laughed. "The first ever kiss James managed to weasel out of Lily. A fine moment in Marauder history, I feel." He reluctantly put the photo back on the top of the pile, not allowing himself to see the ones of him and Sirius that lay beneath it. He replaced the lid and tied a strong bit of twine around it before tossing it through the veil. He watched again as the curtains marked their disapproval with shifting and sweeping back and forth until they settled once more.

Then Remus reached for the final object that lay in the bag. He pulled forth a little box about the size of a shoebox, and amazingly tatty after all these years. He lifted the lid and looked sorrowfully inside at the four tiny creatures who still ran about as energetic as the day he first met hem.

"I am truly sorry to see these lads go, but I'm sure you could do with the company." Remus said as he watched the four critters playing like a bunch of teenage boys. "Wherever you are…"

"I've been so faithful." Remus said suddenly. "All those years while you were in Azkaban, all that time, and then again when you were gone for real. Not just faithful in person, but in spirit, in mind. I never once doubted you, not really, because you made a promise, and I felt bound to honour that. Of course, me the dreamer, I still don't believe or can't believe… I don't know if it's real. I've been true all this time because I've been living on a dream.

"I have always been a dreamer, Sirius. But a million of my dreams were resting on you, and a million dreams died with you. And I think, dear Padfoot, that I died too. Some part of me that was really you, and some part of me that relied on you, wholly and utterly. I died, Sirius, when you died. You and I and a million dreams.

"And I knew I had to move on. Tonks tried to help me with that, but it all went wrong. I couldn't do it, Sirius. I couldn't bloody do it. And, my most dear of friends, I don't know if I ever will. But in all things must we make an effort, so here's to effort."

He said this as he replaced the lid on the box, levitating it up and through the veil, ignoring the hideous thrashing of guilt and sorrow at parting with his tiny Sirius after all these years.

"In essence, Sirius, I've come to say goodbye, I think." Remus went on once the box had disappeared and the curtains had mostly settled. "I have no idea what happens after this, but what I came here for today was to say goodbye."

Remus pressed his fingers to his lips and kissed them, then pressed that kiss upon the curtain. He stood up and sighed as he stared at the curtain once more. He sniffed and tried to ignore his growing tension and growing tears.

"Good bye, my friend. I'll always love you." He whispered.

Remus turned away from the veil, and as he did he paused. Ever so softly, he could hear the quiet whispers of which Harry had spoken. They sounded so far away. He fancied they were singing to him, a sad song of loss, and a song of good-byes.

He swallowed hard and looked at the cold, unforgiving stones beneath his feet, wiping a tear away as he prepared to take the first step away from it all. As he watched the floor, he spotted a tiny black thing as it moved around his feet from behind him.

Remus choked a little as he bent down to scoop up the tiny black dog, the mini-Sirius from the floor. He sniffed and wiped his cheeks free of tears.

"I suppose I probably shouldn't have abandoned you to that veil, eh?" He asked, smiling sadly and swallowing.

"I should think not." Said a voice from behind him.

There's not a voice in the world that Remus would have been more pleased to hear, and when he turned around, his million dreams came rushing back.


End file.
